Letting Go
by CloZack PASSION
Summary: Cloud's POV. Spoilers if you haven't finished disc one! Hard to describe, you'll hafta read it. Cloud/Tifa, Cid/Shera, Yuffie/Vincent, Reeve/Scarlet


((A/N: Okay. If you guys know anything about my work...it's usually romantic and kina angsty even, with Cloud missing Aeris, then suddenly realizing Tifa's there. But I was playing the game over the weekend, and I've noticed something. Cloud, himself, says that they need to let go of Aeris' memory...or somethin' like that. I don't know the exact quote, but I could find it if you don't believe me. So I've decided to write a story from Cloud's POV mainly, about this. Of course, there will be some romance, still. It's sad, at least in my opinion. Deathfic...and you can probably already figure out the pairing. The title mostly applies to the first half.))   
  
  
_Letting Go_   
  


Yeah...I miss Aeris. We all do. But everyone seems to think I miss her so much that I'm not going to move on with my life. That I'm gonna be sulking and depressed forever. They're all convinced that I loved her so much that the end of her life would also be the end of mine. 

Yeah, well...they don't know what they're talkin' about. 

I know it sounds like I don't care about Aeris, or preserving her memory, which isn't true. But my life isn't going to revolve around her death. I have more important things to deal with right now. Meteor still caused a lot of destruction, and I was helping with the clean-up untill recently. Most of AVALANCHE got severely hurt in the blast too, and the living are more important to me than the dead. 

Cid has been in the hospital since the whole thing, four weeks ago. Shera hasn't left Cid's side once, and he seems to be recovering fine. Tifa, though....poor Tifa. It's my fault she's in the condition she's in. I wasn't carefull enough, wasn't protective like I should've been. She was actually injured after Meteor, in Midgar. 

We were doing cleanup in sector five, and she fell through some of the rubble. She hit her head, and some fell and hit hard. She has some serious injuries. All I did was stand and watch. I could've ran for her...tried to catch her...but I was in such shock. 

She's been in the hospital, comatose, since she fell. I seem to be the only one still holding any hope that she'll ever wake up, and that hurts pretty bad. More than my broken wrist or cracked ribs, more than the big gash under my eye that's sewed together with seven stitches. More than any of that. 

Because now, I'm losing another friend. No, more than that...everything. Aeris...I'd just met her. Sure, she was a nice girl, and if I got to know her, maybe I would have loved her. But that wasn't in our destiny. We'd shared barely a month together, and she was killed. I know maybe some people can, but I can't fall in love with a girl in a matter of weeks. 

Something like that takes time for me. I need to get to know her well...understand her past, know what she wants in the future, be able to fully trust her... 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I didn't trust Aeris, it's just, she was new to the group. In truth, I didn't trust anyone from them all except Tifa and Barret untill the final battle. When they returned to fight Sephiroth, after we'd given them the choice not to. They'd all proven themselves, even Yuffie. They're good friends to me, all of them, and I can trust that they'll be there for me. 

Aeris...she ran off while I was asleep, ready to face Sephiroth. I'm pretty sure she was ready to die...that she knew what had to be done. And while I respect her for facing up to her destiny, I felt betrayed by the fact that she'd left without giving me any real goodbye. How could I love someone who could go to face almost certain death, without even telling me? 

Okay...enough of that. I'm letting my thoughts travel to the past, which I've been trying more and more to avoid. To avoid my muddled past, which I really don't care for all too much. My past...not even really mine totally. There are still things I don't understand...that don't make sense, but I know enough. I know that I stole Zack's identity...and that's why Aeris saw something in me. 

I know she felt something for me...she didn't exactally try to hide it. It doesn't matter. It was always those parts of Zack, his traits that I copied. Maybe I lead her on a little too. Having someone like me like that, felt good. I wasn't used to it. I never really had someone like that before, and it was so nice to have someone who cared about me like that. 

But I was ignoring Tifa...and that hurt. She was there for me so much. Just after Zack had died, she found me in Midgar, and helped me recover from my mako poisoning the first time, not even realizing it. Then she was there for me when I suffered from it again. She comforted me, and helped me find myself. 

Now that she's in this condition, I feel even worse about how I acted towards her. I think...I know I care about her-she's my best friend. But more and more lately, I've been thinking, maybe it's more than that. And even though I try to convince myself it's not true, day by day I'm realizing though, that I do care about her. No, that I do love her. How much she means to me, how important she is to me, and I've been scared by that. 

I always liked to think of myself as an independant sort of man, but really, I'm not. I need her to support me. She was always so close, up untill Sephiroth burnt Nibelheim, and then after Zack helped me escape, she was right there...down the street, next door, in the room next to mine at the inn. Now... 

If anything happens to her...I don't know what I'll do. I've become so dependant on her being here, I don't know if I can make it any longer without her. That's what scares me. That if Tifa doesn't make it...if this takes her life...I'm not gonna make it either. 

I'll be just like everyone assumes I am now that Aeris is dead. Some empty void, living simply because I'm too proud to end my life. No...I don't even think I would be too proud. Why should I be proud? I would have killed my best friend...the one woman I've ever loved apart from my mother. 

And of course, mom's dead. I miss her alot, and I wish I would've been a better kid for her. I wish I wouldn't have been such a little brat, that I would've helped her alot more. It wasn't easy for either of us, but now I realize just how hard it must've been for her. My dad died when I was barely four years old. I wonder if she went through the same pain I'm going through now. 

Losing someone you love...and then I was there. She had to support a young boy by herself. And of course, I had to be little problem child, always getting into fights, making trouble at school. I'd sneak off in the night, and just sit outside the town somewhere, doing nothing, except worrying mom. I don't know why exactally I did those things. I was just a troubled youth I guess. 

Once again, I'm dwelling on the past. Things I could've done don't matter any more. I've chosen my path...and even though I think I've taken some wrong turns, I can't go back and change them. It's a one way road...there's no point concentrating on the wrong turns in the past, that'll just lead me into taking more wrong turns in the future. 

I need to keep my mind in the present. It hurts to do that now, but it's what I have to do. Right now, my mind is screaming out in agony, along with my heart. To see Tifa like this...totally motionless in this hospital bed. It hurts...alot. 

She looks like she's asleep, but she's so pale...so delicate looking. All the machines that are beeping and hissing in the room are one of the constant reminders that she's not just taking a nap. She's dying. Slowly, so slowly, she's dying. Why do I keep all this hope in my heart that she'll magically wake up, and everything will be alright? 

It's been two weeks. Cid was out for three days, only remaining for his injuries. He's gone home already, I think. I haven't really spoken to anyone. They stop in from time to time to visit Tifa, Vincent and Barret more than the others, but that's it. We barely speak. I think I depress them just as much as Tifa's dying does. I feel bad for that, but this is how I feel. I can't cover it up any more. 

I can hide my tears while they're here, but I can't mask my sadness. And even if I could, I wouldn't. I don't care who knows how much I'm suffering. My image as the tough guy who never hurts doesn't matter any more. I think I held it up to convince Tifa I was stronger now. That I was a better man than when I left Nibelheim. Something tells me it didn't work. Not when I've nearly killed her. 

So here I am. A weak man who's going to lose the girl he loves without ever telling her. I wonder if I spoke now, would she hear me? If I told her how I felt, would she wake up like in the movies? Would there be a beautiful fairy tail ending? Would everything work out for the best? 

Regardless of whether it works out like I want it to or not, I need to say it. Because I know in my heart, that wherever she is, she'll hear me. She'll know now, how I feel.   


-+-Several Days later-+-   


I failed her. Now I know I did. She's gone. My beautiful angel is gone. I'm standing in the back of the small funeral home now, watching as various friends take their turns to bid her farewell. She looks beautiful, just like she always has. 

Her skin is so cold now. But I guess that's what's expected of someone who is no longer living. This whole thing is so surreal. Worse than I ever could've imagined. I wish I could cry, but I already used all my tears. Everyone comes over, and pats my shoulder, or gives me a hug, trying to make me feel better. I only feel worse. 

Every little gesture, every little comforting glance, or reassurance, it just reminds me of her more and more. I can't get those last moments out of my head. Her final words before she left. Before I was left alone here. 

I remember I was holding her hand, and I'd leaned down to her face. I kissed her cheek, and I whispered in her ear. I told her I loved her, and that I always had. Almost like on command, she woke up, and looked at me. My heart was soaring. I thought she would make it...that she would be okay. 

She smiled, and looked into my eyes. She didn't sit up, I stayed right down next to her. She looked so happy, like she always was. Then she took in a deep breath, and she whispered to me. She said three words that I could never forget, even if I tried. Three words that pierced my soul like thousands of knives. 

"Goodbye, my love." She whispered, and her beautiful wine-colored eyes shut. She let out her last breath, a peacefull expression on her face. Her heart ceased it's beating, and she left me...she left this world. I felt myself tremble, my entire body going cold. I remember the exact feeling as if it just happened moments ago. 

I sighed. The viewing is almost over...I need to tak one last look. I already gazed at her perfect form before anyone arrived, but I needed to see her one more time. They'd close her in that deep ebony casket forever, and I'd never see her again. 

My heart tore into tiny peaces. This wasn't fair. Nothing ever was. This was all entirely sick and twisted, the way I saw it. I finally told her...told her that I loved her. And she woke up, just like in the fairy tales. Just like in the romantic stories that women like to read so much. 

But no. It was nothing like that. She whispered her confession. Her confession, and her last farewell to me. Just the thought of it breaks my already shattered heart. I walk up to the open casket, and look onto her motionless body. Her pale complexion makes her look like an oversized porcelin doll. 

She's wearing a long white dress, almost like a wedding dress. No, it was a wedding dress. I remember now. It was her mother's dress from when she was married. I was the one who said she should be burried in it. I recall once that she told me she always wanted a big fancy wedding. A beautfiul church, filled with flowers would be the place. And she'd be wearing her mother's wedding gown, watching her groom as she aproached the alter. 

Tears sting at my eyes. I didn't think I hand any left, but I do. They drip down my face, and curve onto my cool lips. I lick them away. They're salty, but I don't notice it. I take Tifa's hand in mine a final time. Onto her finger, I slip a ring that I'd bought just yesterday. I know it's strange, and I'm sure people are staring, but I'm promising her. I will always love her. I whisper that to her, even though I know she can't hear me from her dead body, I know she can hear me, that she's watching me, and knows while I whisper the words aloud, my heart screams them. 

"I'll never let go...."   


_-+-Two Years Later-+-_   


I look onto the beautiful marble monument before me. It definately stands out from the other markings in the small graveyard by Nibelheim. There were some small tombstonse, with beautiful words and lovely engraved designs, but this one is above them all. 

It's a life-sized angel, smiling at the heavens. The statue is beautiful. It has long hair that falls to the foot of the statue, onto the pedistal. She is wearing beautiful, elaborately designed gowns, that drape over her slender form. 

I had the angel statue made custom for her. It reminds me so much of my love, even though it doesn't really resemble her. I wanted it that way. I admired the statue, and felt myself slightly sadden as I knelt down. On the pedistal read a message that I created. It wasn't a long poem, or a beautiful requiem. Just a few words underneath her name. 

_May you always know the love we have for you._

It's my message, no, all of our message to Tifa. I know she can see it from wherever she is, and I hope that she remembers us all, and how much we cared. How much I, we all, still do. I set down the rose I was holding in my hand a second ago. 

It's been my tradition, every friday, to place a rose on her grave. To show that I still haven't let go. I know it's not what she wants, I can feel in my heart that she wants me to move on. And I hate to go against her will, but I still do. I still hold on to every detail I can remember about her, every little thing that reminds me. 

I live my life, that I do. I see my friends occasionally, I work and live in NeoMidgar, keeping the place in line. I guess I'm like a one-man police force. I'm not too bad at my job either, if I may say so myself. I keep the peace there, and I know that it pleases her. Tifa never liked fighting. It was one of those things that she had to do. 

She always said she hated anger, and fighting, and war, after what Sephiroth did to her father. What he did to her. Even what he did to myself. So I keep any of those things from hapening the best I can. For her. 

I smile, even though tears are streaming down my face. Just like they do every time I visit her. I stand up, looking off into the horizon. It was already sunset. I usually stayed longer, but not today. 

Something told me that I should retire early tonight. So I will. I'll go back to Tifa's home in the town, and lay myself down. I need my rest. The mako is getting bad right now. I need to have strength to fight it. I need to have the strength to live. I don't know how I found the strength at all before she died, but I have it. 

Now, I need to preserve it. To live my life the best I can for as long as I can. I know it won't be much longer. It won't be what most would call a 'full' life. The mako in my bloodstream will kill me. Maybe a good thing came of my love's death. 

I would be dying from this even if she lived, and I couldn't bare to put her through the kind of pain I went through with her. I know that I'll be with her soon anyways, and that eases my pain. I slip under the covers in her bed, and close my eyes. Sleep is coming now, I can have my rest.   
  
_Epilouge_   


By the end of that year, there stood another monument next to Tifa's. A man holding his arm out to the angel's outstretched ones. By this time, it was known well enough to all of us in AVALANCHE, that Cloud's angel was not the green-eyed Cetra girl that was torn away from this world by Sephiroth. 

It was the crimson-eyes beauty, strong fighter and close friend to them all, who stole his heart. The optimistic girl with the bright smile, torn form this world by destiny. 

Now, they were together. I felt a bit more at peace when I thought of it that way. All that, it was thirty years ago now. I've long out-lived the lifespan I should've had, but there's no complaints here. 

The rest of the group is doing well too. Vincent and Yuffie are in Wutai, settling down finally, after raising two girls. 

Barret and Elmyra, Aeris's adoptive mother, are in New Corel, Barret being the mayor for about fifteen years now. Marlene is grown, and married to my own son, Chris. I'm gonna be a grandpa...damn...that just doesn't feel right. 

Reeve is living in Neo Midgar. He's retired from his job as mayor, and is enjoying his life with Scarlet. They never had children, but I'm not all that sure that's a bad thing. They adopted a teenage boy a few years back. He's grown now, and has two kids of his own. 

Nanaki, he's settled down with another of his kind. They just recently met, and are expecting a litter of pups soon. He's 80 years old, but a lot younger in his sepcies time line. 

"Cid! Come on! You've been out here for twenty minutes! It's freezing! We need to get back home!" I guess that's my call. I set down two roses, one on each of the graves. Spike told me to put one on Tifa's, but I put one on his too. 

I can remember back when those two would've never admited their feelings for eachother, and it hurts me a bit knowing that they waited untill it was about too late. I'm glad I got it out in the open...of course, it took those two to let me realize it. 

So I owe them my thanks for that. I have a son, and a grand daughter on the way. I'm not working on the Highwind any more. I gave that to Chris a few years back. But I remember when we flew around in that Airship, after Sephiroth. I sometimes wish I could do it all again, just for the hell of it. It was a lot of fun. 

Those were my best days. And I'll never let go of those memories.   
  


((So...what'd ya think? I thought it was a little sad. I had to add some things about the rest of the crew, of course, because they're all great too! Please Review!!)) 


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